Burned Out Daughter

For the daughter who quit

You quit your job to care for her. You have not had a day off since.

You quit your job to take care of her, you have not had a day off since, and you are burning out with no income and no plan for yourself. You are ashamed of the resentment and scared about money, and you need permission to be tired, the first four hours off, and a backup if you get sick. This site is for the hour you type that into a search box.

It is written for one person: a woman in the St. Louis metro who left work to care for a parent full time and is now burning out in a house where she is the entire plan. Nothing here will tell you to breathe or find your gratitude. It will tell you what the week is doing to you, where the first hours off come from, what money exists, and what to write down in case you fall.

168

hours in a week. Every week. There is no other number.

Most women who land here: every hour is yours, and the gold segment does not exist yet.

The one number

There are 168 hours in a week, and right now they are all yours

That bar is the whole argument of this site. Ember is the hours you cover. Mauve is the hours nobody covers, which today is none, because you never leave. Gold is hours off, and it does not exist yet. Every page here is about drawing the gold: four hours first, then a standing block, then, if you want it, a job again. Burnout is not weakness. It is what a body does at 168, and the fix is a different bar.

You are not doing this badly. You are doing it alone, and the two feel identical.

The eight questions

The things you searched for at 2am, answered in order

  1. The weekCaregiver burnout symptoms: is this what I have?The signs as the NIA, the Family Caregiver Alliance and the Alzheimer's Association list them, then a week you fill in yourself.
  2. The breakHow do I get a break from caring for my mom?Four doors respite comes through in this metro, the number on each, and the rule for the first block.
  3. The feelingI resent my mother for needing me. What kind of daughter does that make me?Resentment as a signal, not a sin; the line between stress and depression; the number for the night the crying does not stop.
  4. The moneyI am a full time caregiver for my parent and I have no income. What exists?Missouri's Consumer Directed Services, two VA programs, a personal care agreement, and the eligibility rule on each door.
  5. The backup planWhat happens to Mom if I get sick?One page: her day, where the list lives, the numbers, the agency that already knows her, the person with the key.
  6. WorkCan I go back to work and still take care of my mom?Count the hours a job takes, cover each one, have the agency conversation, then interview. What FMLA protects later.
  7. Local programsWhat is Aging Ahead's family caregiver program and can it help me?What the county's caregiver program funds, as funding permits, the number to call, what to say, and the city's separate door.
  8. SupportIs there a caregiver support group in St. Louis for someone like me?The rooms, the lines awake at 2am, the online group that never closes, and an honest word about groups for daughters.

The first four hours

What the bar looks like once the first block exists

168

hours, with the first four off. It looks like nothing. It is not nothing.

The same week with four hours off. Every article is about making that sliver wider.

The first four hours off are for sleep. They come through four doors: Aging Ahead's caregiver program if you qualify, the VA if she served, hospice respite if she is on hospice, and private non-medical hours, the only door that opens this week. The page on the break has the number on each. The box below is the private one.

If you want the phone to ring

Give New Plan Care your name and a town, and someone will call you back

The only form on the site. It goes to New Plan Care, the paid placement above, and nobody else; it is not a match service, a referral network or a ranking. If typing is one task too many, Call (314) 405-0887 instead.

or Call (314) 405-0887

A name, a number and a town is all this asks for. Do not type your mother's diagnosis, medications or anything else about her health here; those belong with her doctor.

Two neighbouring desks

If your night is a different night

If the question underneath tonight is whether she can stay in the house at all, Keep Her Home is written for that. If she is on hospice at home and you are the one in the house, Hospice at Home Help is written for that week.

What this site will not do

Three refusals, so you know what you are reading

It will not print a price; no public source publishes one and the company above does not either, so ask on the phone. It will not give medical advice; nobody here is a clinician, and the help described is non-medical. And it will not invent a statistic, a quote or a review: every figure links to the public page it came from, listed on the sources page, and the about page says how to report one that has gone stale.